There’s a moral-wrapped-in-a-story I think about when I get all introspective. A century or so ago (well before TV, for sure), couples would get dressed in their finery to “take the evening air” by going for a walk in the central part of town. The main reason was to see and be seen by their neighbors, show off their best clothes and catch up on events. As you might expect, there were certain rules of behavior that were broken at one’s peril; social status was very important. In this story as a couple was walking along they would greet their friends and acquaintances with a nod of the head or tip of the hat. One woman who was walking toward them was pointedly ignored by the wife because of her less-than-stellar reputation (whether it was justified or not is irrelevant to the story). Anyhow, her husband did tip his hat to her, which earned him a scolding from his wife, who said “How could you acknowledge a woman like that?! Surely you know she is no lady!” His response was “Of course I know her reputation; whether she is a lady or not is for others to decide. I didn’t greet her because she is a lady; I did because I am a gentleman.” He greeted the woman they passed because of who HE was, rather than who she was.
I think that most of the time we’re not aware of why we respond the way we do; we just respond. If someone is nice to us, we respond in a nice way; if we perceive someone is rude or thoughtless we respond in kind. Last night on my flight here the guy in front of me reclined his seat, which put his seat back practically in my face. This was counterpoint to the little kid in the seat behind who was beating a staccato on my seatback with his feet. My first reaction was to think the guy in front and the mother of the kid behind were being deliberately rude, but I think it’s more accurate to say they were probably simply oblivious. Doesn’t make it OK, but it’s different than being deliberately obnoxious. Of course, I could have said something to either of them, but I opted to ignore it. The seats do recline, so the airlines apparently think it’s appropriate for passengers to do so. It’s not the fault of the guy in front of me that the seats are so close together, nor is it his fault I’m a big guy and already cramped. And the mother was probably not having a good day either, having to travel with a squirmy kid. My lesson from that is to take a moment to think about others around me. Either leave my seat upright (which I generally do anyway), or at least check with the person behind me to make sure they can get their knees out of the way. And since I don’t have kids, try to be more understanding of others in difficult situations.
By the way, this does not mean allowing oneself to become a 
doormat; there is certainly an appropriate time (and good reason) to call out someone for being rude or insensitive. But to quote Foghorn Leghorn, “Boy, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do everything.” If I am rude to someone in response to their actions (which, in most cases, are simply unthinking), they are likely to become defensive and the situation escalates. Not what I would have wished for, had I taken a moment to reflect.
But the point is, rather than let emotions (or kneejerk reactions) dictate behavior, wouldn’t it be better to take a second or two and decide what type of response best represents who I want to be?
About BigBill
Stats: Married male boomer.
Hobbies: Hiking, woodworking, reading, philosophy, good conversation.
Because I am a gentleman
There’s a moral-wrapped-in-a-story I think about when I get all introspective. A century or so ago (well before TV, for sure), couples would get dressed in their finery to “take the evening air” by going for a walk in the central part of town. The main reason was to see and be seen by their neighbors, show off their best clothes and catch up on events. As you might expect, there were certain rules of behavior that were broken at one’s peril; social status was very important. In this story as a couple was walking along they would greet their friends and acquaintances with a nod of the head or tip of the hat. One woman who was walking toward them was pointedly ignored by the wife because of her less-than-stellar reputation (whether it was justified or not is irrelevant to the story). Anyhow, her husband did tip his hat to her, which earned him a scolding from his wife, who said “How could you acknowledge a woman like that?! Surely you know she is no lady!” His response was “Of course I know her reputation; whether she is a lady or not is for others to decide. I didn’t greet her because she is a lady; I did because I am a gentleman.” He greeted the woman they passed because of who HE was, rather than who she was.
I think that most of the time we’re not aware of why we respond the way we do; we just respond. If someone is nice to us, we respond in a nice way; if we perceive someone is rude or thoughtless we respond in kind. Last night on my flight here the guy in front of me reclined his seat, which put his seat back practically in my face. This was counterpoint to the little kid in the seat behind who was beating a staccato on my seatback with his feet. My first reaction was to think the guy in front and the mother of the kid behind were being deliberately rude, but I think it’s more accurate to say they were probably simply oblivious. Doesn’t make it OK, but it’s different than being deliberately obnoxious. Of course, I could have said something to either of them, but I opted to ignore it. The seats do recline, so the airlines apparently think it’s appropriate for passengers to do so. It’s not the fault of the guy in front of me that the seats are so close together, nor is it his fault I’m a big guy and already cramped. And the mother was probably not having a good day either, having to travel with a squirmy kid. My lesson from that is to take a moment to think about others around me. Either leave my seat upright (which I generally do anyway), or at least check with the person behind me to make sure they can get their knees out of the way. And since I don’t have kids, try to be more understanding of others in difficult situations.
By the way, this does not mean allowing oneself to become a
doormat; there is certainly an appropriate time (and good reason) to call out someone for being rude or insensitive. But to quote Foghorn Leghorn, “Boy, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do everything.” If I am rude to someone in response to their actions (which, in most cases, are simply unthinking), they are likely to become defensive and the situation escalates. Not what I would have wished for, had I taken a moment to reflect.
But the point is, rather than let emotions (or kneejerk reactions) dictate behavior, wouldn’t it be better to take a second or two and decide what type of response best represents who I want to be?
About BigBill
Stats: Married male boomer. Hobbies: Hiking, woodworking, reading, philosophy, good conversation.