Does real friendship include intervening when your friend is doing something that might be destructive or harmful to them? For example, does a true friend have the responsibility to take action to stop you from doing something they think is going to turn out badly? Obviously yes, when it might involve physical harm to yourself or others, as in taking your car keys if you’ve been drinking. (Although you might make the case that’s just common sense—what anyone would do, friend or not!) Less obvious might be when someone’s behavior may have long term consequences, such as smoking or overeating. First of all, I seriously doubt that anyone who smokes today is unaware of its harm, and probably don’t need anyone reminding them of it! So if someone has made that choice fully aware of the consequences, is it an act of friendship to tell them it’s not good for them, or is it simply meddling?
What about personal behavior like staying out partying when tomorrow’s a work day? Should a friend intervene then? I had a friend a number of years ago (we’ve lost touch since, for reasons that will become apparent shortly) who evidently thought that it was the responsibility of her friends to protect her from her own self-destructive behavior. We went out one evening while on a business trip together. When I said I wanted to go back to the hotel she said she was staying out and she’d find her own way back. The next day she berated me for not “making” her come back when I left. If I were “really her friend” I wouldn’t have let her stay out so late. Although this happened over 20 years ago I still think about it; at the time I didn’t understand she was just trying to avoid responsibility for her own behavior by shifting it to me. Not very friendly of her!
So where does friendship fit in? It seems to me that if a person is in command of their faculties and understands the consequences of their behavior (even if in an abstract way), it is meddling to intervene. If they are in some way not in control of their behavior (read: drunk) then a friend would protect them from their poor choices. But if they refuse, then I would say all bets are off and they will need to pay whatever consequences ensue. Of course, if others may be harmed by a those choices then it’s no longer an act of friendship; I think the only responsible action then would be to take your “friend’s” keys and call a cab!
About BigBill
Stats: Married male boomer.
Hobbies: Hiking, woodworking, reading, philosophy, good conversation.
More about friendship: intervening or meddling?
Does real friendship include intervening when your friend is doing something that might be destructive or harmful to them? For example, does a true friend have the responsibility to take action to stop you from doing something they think is going to turn out badly? Obviously yes, when it might involve physical harm to yourself or others, as in taking your car keys if you’ve been drinking. (Although you might make the case that’s just common sense—what anyone would do, friend or not!) Less obvious might be when someone’s behavior may have long term consequences, such as smoking or overeating. First of all, I seriously doubt that anyone who smokes today is unaware of its harm, and probably don’t need anyone reminding them of it! So if someone has made that choice fully aware of the consequences, is it an act of friendship to tell them it’s not good for them, or is it simply meddling?
What about personal behavior like staying out partying when tomorrow’s a work day? Should a friend intervene then? I had a friend a number of years ago (we’ve lost touch since, for reasons that will become apparent shortly) who evidently thought that it was the responsibility of her friends to protect her from her own self-destructive behavior. We went out one evening while on a business trip together. When I said I wanted to go back to the hotel she said she was staying out and she’d find her own way back. The next day she berated me for not “making” her come back when I left. If I were “really her friend” I wouldn’t have let her stay out so late. Although this happened over 20 years ago I still think about it; at the time I didn’t understand she was just trying to avoid responsibility for her own behavior by shifting it to me. Not very friendly of her!
So where does friendship fit in? It seems to me that if a person is in command of their faculties and understands the consequences of their behavior (even if in an abstract way), it is meddling to intervene. If they are in some way not in control of their behavior (read: drunk) then a friend would protect them from their poor choices. But if they refuse, then I would say all bets are off and they will need to pay whatever consequences ensue. Of course, if others may be harmed by a those choices then it’s no longer an act of friendship; I think the only responsible action then would be to take your “friend’s” keys and call a cab!
About BigBill
Stats: Married male boomer. Hobbies: Hiking, woodworking, reading, philosophy, good conversation.