Many years ago, some good friends of mine posed a question to me. They wanted to know if I thought that someone who cheated on their spouse could be trusted in business. It wasn’t a casual question to them; they were concerned because they had discovered someone they were working with had done so and wanted my opinion. I assume they were considering whether they should end their working relationship because they didn’t think they could trust their partner who had an adulterous relationship. (They made it clear this wasn’t a one-time thing but a life-pattern for this person.)
On the surface, this seems like a no brainer. Of course you can; people do it all the time. I know people who would never dream of going back on their agreement in business, who have also had affairs. I’ve also known people who have no qualms about “sharp business practices” (a euphemism for being less than completely honest in their business dealings), but are proud of never having had affairs.
But think about it a bit. Marriage is the most intimate of all relationships. And marriage vows are viewed as a contract. So how could you trust someone in a business situation when they are willing to lie (either explicitly or by omission) to the person with whom they are in the most fundamental of all relationships?
The water is muddy. Most experts say that we don’t know exactly how many people in a relationship cheat; we can’t even say for sure how “cheating” is defined. Is cybersex cheating? Some people feel it is; others don’t. Then, scientists have no reliable way of knowing when people respond on surveys if they’re telling the truth. It’s hard to get people to be honest if that would mean admitting to something that society feels is wrong. The Kinsey studies done in the 50’s are pretty widely viewed today as being incorrect either in methodology or conclusions; mailed surveys may be flawed or not statistically valid, etc. etc. etc. Also, simply remaining monogamous may or not be what’s important; people in open relationships may not expect monogamy from their partners. And are you “moral” if you have slept with someone other than your partner, if you didn’t lie to them about it?
Also, when it comes to questions of morality it seems to me that there is some kind of gradation involved. It’s a combination of the “seriousness” of the deed coupled with frequency. For example, does taking a life make me a murderer? Most would agree it does. But does telling one lie make me a liar? Most would say it might, but the context is important. How big a lie? What was my intent? Is it part of a pattern? And so forth. So does having an affair make a person an adulterer? Technically, I suppose it does, but I also think there is a difference between a person who has a one-night stand after drinking too much, and a guy I know who has had a girlfriend (or several) on the side throughout his marriage.
But back to my friends’ question. They were in a business relationship with a person whom they knew to be cheating on his wife. They were asking me a very practical question about whether I thought this person could (and should) be trusted in business. I happened to know the man well, and I viewed him to be an honest man in business. I suspect he was able to convince himself that the two issues were completely separate. I imagined he had rationalized his cheating to himself; “I really do love my wife; I provide well for her and our kids; it’s just physical and I don’t care for the other women like I do my wife” and on and on.
As I consider this question now, I think that attempting to explain this as compartmentalization is all nothing more than hand-waving rationalization. I think that a standard of morality applies to everything. People may think that they are honest people if they don’t cheat on taxes or if they always honor their agreements in business, but if they have an affair, they are lying to their wife (or husband) and are not living up to their self-established standards. It’s true, they probably have convinced themselves that they are not really being dishonest, but I think that type of compartmentalization is nothing more than an attempt to dodge the reality.
It goes to the concept of the Good Life that I’ve written about previously; I establish the type of person I want to be through careful thought and introspection, and then I try to live up to that. If I view myself as an honest man, I cannot then be honest in one facet of my life (say, business) and have it be OK to lie to Cathy. Or even myself.
Especially myself.
(Editorial note: as I re-read this, it occurs to me that this may look like a thinly-veiled confession. It isn’t.)
About BigBill
Stats: Married male boomer.
Hobbies: Hiking, woodworking, reading, philosophy, good conversation.
Can morality be compartmentalized?
Many years ago, some good friends of mine posed a question to me. They wanted to know if I thought that someone who cheated on their spouse could be trusted in business. It wasn’t a casual question to them; they were concerned because they had discovered someone they were working with had done so and wanted my opinion. I assume they were considering whether they should end their working relationship because they didn’t think they could trust their partner who had an adulterous relationship. (They made it clear this wasn’t a one-time thing but a life-pattern for this person.)
On the surface, this seems like a no brainer. Of course you can; people do it all the time. I know people who would never dream of going back on their agreement in business, who have also had affairs. I’ve also known people who have no qualms about “sharp business practices” (a euphemism for being less than completely honest in their business dealings), but are proud of never having had affairs.
But think about it a bit. Marriage is the most intimate of all relationships. And marriage vows are viewed as a contract. So how could you trust someone in a business situation when they are willing to lie (either explicitly or by omission) to the person with whom they are in the most fundamental of all relationships?
The water is muddy. Most experts say that we don’t know exactly how many people in a relationship cheat; we can’t even say for sure how “cheating” is defined. Is cybersex cheating? Some people feel it is; others don’t. Then, scientists have no reliable way of knowing when people respond on surveys if they’re telling the truth. It’s hard to get people to be honest if that would mean admitting to something that society feels is wrong. The Kinsey studies done in the 50’s are pretty widely viewed today as being incorrect either in methodology or conclusions; mailed surveys may be flawed or not statistically valid, etc. etc. etc. Also, simply remaining monogamous may or not be what’s important; people in open relationships may not expect monogamy from their partners. And are you “moral” if you have slept with someone other than your partner, if you didn’t lie to them about it?
Also, when it comes to questions of morality it seems to me that there is some kind of gradation involved. It’s a combination of the “seriousness” of the deed coupled with frequency. For example, does taking a life make me a murderer? Most would agree it does. But does telling one lie make me a liar? Most would say it might, but the context is important. How big a lie? What was my intent? Is it part of a pattern? And so forth. So does having an affair make a person an adulterer? Technically, I suppose it does, but I also think there is a difference between a person who has a one-night stand after drinking too much, and a guy I know who has had a girlfriend (or several) on the side throughout his marriage.
But back to my friends’ question. They were in a business relationship with a person whom they knew to be cheating on his wife. They were asking me a very practical question about whether I thought this person could (and should) be trusted in business. I happened to know the man well, and I viewed him to be an honest man in business. I suspect he was able to convince himself that the two issues were completely separate. I imagined he had rationalized his cheating to himself; “I really do love my wife; I provide well for her and our kids; it’s just physical and I don’t care for the other women like I do my wife” and on and on.
As I consider this question now, I think that attempting to explain this as compartmentalization is all nothing more than hand-waving rationalization. I think that a standard of morality applies to everything. People may think that they are honest people if they don’t cheat on taxes or if they always honor their agreements in business, but if they have an affair, they are lying to their wife (or husband) and are not living up to their self-established standards. It’s true, they probably have convinced themselves that they are not really being dishonest, but I think that type of compartmentalization is nothing more than an attempt to dodge the reality.
It goes to the concept of the Good Life that I’ve written about previously; I establish the type of person I want to be through careful thought and introspection, and then I try to live up to that. If I view myself as an honest man, I cannot then be honest in one facet of my life (say, business) and have it be OK to lie to Cathy. Or even myself.
Especially myself.
(Editorial note: as I re-read this, it occurs to me that this may look like a thinly-veiled confession. It isn’t.)
About BigBill
Stats: Married male boomer. Hobbies: Hiking, woodworking, reading, philosophy, good conversation.